Vulnerability: Four Pillars of Coregulation, Part 2
Vulnerability: Four Pillars of Coregulation, Part 2
Coregulation is our body’s ability to create emotional safety in our relationships through our nervous system interacting with the nervous system of someone else. There are four pillars according to Michael Barta, authenticity, vulnerability, transparency and presence, and in this post we will explore the strength of vulnerability.
Vulnerability
Men may cringe at the word. But what is vulnerability?
Michael Barta, sex addiction therapist and author of Reconnection, writes, “Vulnerability involves being open and honest about your emotions, fears, and desires, even when it feels risky.” Robert Masters calls vulnerability “unguarded openness.”
Many men live closed down. Their hearts are walled off. Their deeper emotions, fears and desires sit in the dark, out of sight, out of mind, and far out of reach from others.
When a man is vulnerable, he expresses a raw truth about his inner world. He does so not knowing what the response will be. Vulnerability is something you’d rather keep to yourself but decide to share for the sake of connecting.
Key features
Sharing emotions, fears, and personal experiences honestly.
Example: “I’m scared that I’ll sober up and people will stop paying attention to me.”
Taking emotional risks, even when unsure of the outcome.
For clarity: Don’t open up to anyone. Vulnerability should be expressed to emotionally safe and mature people.
Admitting mistakes and accepting imperfections.
Building deeper connections by fostering mutual understanding and trust.
Facing fears of rejection or failure while staying true to oneself.
Example: Not abandoning what you want or think just because it doesn’t align with someone you care about.
Vulnerability & coregulation
When you are vulnerable, let’s say, with your wife, your nervous system “talks” to her nervous system, communicating something like, “Hey, you can trust me. You’re safe with me.” Barta says it this way: “Vulnerability fosters trust.”
Related: Authenticity and coregulation
Superman is Clark Kent underneath
Men are conditioned to be superman. Tough and impenetrable. We adventure out into the world to work, conquer foes, and bring home the bacon.
But underneath the exterior, the performance, we are mortal. We break, we feel, we cry.
Only showing up as Superman in your relationships, especially with the wife, will starve both of you of closeness and connection. She needs Clark Kent. Wants!
Strength, valor and courage bring respect. Vulnerability brings intimacy. Relationships need both.
Vulnerability attracts vulnerability
When you expose your inner world, you invite the other person to step in your direction, which they often do, feeling pulled to respond in kind. A simple expression of vulnerability can open up a feedback loop of emotional closeness that can reach far into the future, even touching future generations.
Practical expressions
Emotion: “Babe, it hurts when you criticize my mother like that. I know you don’t mean to, but it feels like you’re also criticizing me.”
Fear: “I’m afraid that one of these days you’ll decide to leave me.”
Desire: “I know this is out of the blue but I want another baby.”
Fears (of being vulnerable)
All kinds of fears get kicked up when we start to talk about opening up. Here are three that I hear routinely from clients and some thoughts on each.
“I’ll be left.”
Imagine a boy crying in front of his father—itself incredibly vulnerable—and without a bat of an eye the father walks away, leaving streams of tears flowing down his son’s face. The fear of being left or abandoned after vulnerability comes from somewhere.
Thoughts: Learn where this fear comes from. Discover the ways your environment did not nurture your vulnerability as a boy. Then love, comfort and father the inner child in you.
“I won’t be good enough.”
Many men already don’t feel good enough as men. Don’t make enough money, aren’t fit enough, aren’t emotionally savvy enough. Becoming vulnerable just feels like salt in the wound.
Thoughts: None of us is good enough. There is always greater growth to be had, but this doesn’t have to have a negative charge. It doesn’t mean you can’t be loved just as you are right here, right now.
“I don’t know how.”
Do you know how to be vulnerable? What if you try and it backfires?
Thoughts: Sometimes the bigger fear underneath is of the relational strife and tension it could stir up afterwards. What if the other person reacts? The truth is vulnerability is a risk. But you can also learn best practices. Vulnerability, with an emotionally safe person, is worth the effort!
Conclusion
Vulnerability involves opening up about our deeper emotions, fears and desires. It builds trust and connection. It closes the gap between people and is essential to our body’s wisdom of coregulation. Ask yourself: How am I with vulnerability? What is holding me back?