Authenticity: Four Pillars of Coregulation, Part 1
Authenticity: Four Pillars of Coregulation, Part 1
Coregulation is the ability to give and receive safety in our most important relationships. It is the cornerstone of connection and emotional intimacy.
Over the course of four blog posts, I will expound on what author and therapist Michael Barta calls the four pillars of coregulation. This post will look at the first pillar, crucial to any relationship, authenticity. But first, let’s touch on coregulation a moment longer.
What is coregulation?
It’s the emotional safety we feel when we are in the presence of someone who loves and understands us. It’s also the emotional safety someone else feels in our presence.
Can you remember being a kid and getting hurt on the playground and throwing yourself into mom’s or dad’s arms? Or have you experienced the calm that washes over you when you sit next to your partner after a long, hard day? These are moments of coregulation.
Michael Barta describes it as
the deep biological process that happens when we feel safe, seen, and understood by another person. It’s not just about emotional closeness; it’s about how our brains and bodies respond to the presence of others. When we’re connected, our nervous system communicates with the nervous system of the person we’re with, creating a sense of calm and balance.
Coregulation is our nervous systems sending messages of safety, warmth, and acceptance back and forth, easing our anxiety and lifting our depression.
Authenticity
According to Barta’s book Reconnection, authenticity is the foundation of coregulation. He writes, “It means being true to yourself—living in alignment with your values, beliefs, and desires rather than conforming to external expectations.”
Authenticity is your true self. No masks. No performance. Just you without the hiding.
Key features
Being true to oneself and living in alignment with personal values.
Example: Aligning yourself to your desire to get sober and not allowing what others want dictate how you live and what you do.
Expressing genuine thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
For clarity: This is not being impulsive or rude with your words. This is being honest about what you actually think and how you really feel.
Aligning words with actions and maintaining integrity.
Admitting imperfections and acknowledging mistakes.
Example: “Honey, I lied to you yesterday.” Or “You asked me to transfer money this morning and I completely forgot, I’m sorry.”
Interacting with sincerity and fostering mutual trust.
Authenticity & coregulation
If being authentic really is the cornerstone of coregulation (and relationships in general) then certainly being inauthentic would disturb our connections. And that’s what we experience.
Being inauthentic
Is not being true to yourself. It’s hiding, lying, and not speaking your mind or sharing your feelings. It’s wearing a mask and being fake.
Have you tried being in a relationship with someone who was fake? Or felt like they were holding back or not being true to themselves? When someone is not genuine with us, we feel it. And it turns us off, doesn’t open us up.
The same goes for others. When we are not true to ourselves, people will find it difficult being around us and coregulation gets blocked.
For coregulation to happen, we have to be real and have to feel the other person is being real with us.
The power of authenticity in relationships
Being real with others opens the door for trust. When I express my genuine thoughts and fears and dreams to my wife, for example, my nervous system communicates with her nervous system that she can trust what I’m saying and respond in kind. If she does, a positive feedback loop is created, strengthening our bond even further.
Practical expressions
Tell your wife where you’d like to go for dinner.
Discover your personal core values and seek to live by them.
If you’ve had a recent relapse, tell your significant other. Own it and be honest.
Communicate more of your thoughts to your wife. Do it spontaneously. Your thoughts about life, faith, parenting, shared goals, etc.
Conclusion
Authenticity is sharing our true selves with those we love. It’s the cornerstone of coregulation. It builds trust, fosters emotional safety, and helps us connect. But being authentic is also a practice and a skill. Consider how you might become more of your authentic self.