Black and White Thinking
Black and White Thinking
Black and white thinking will get in the way of your sobriety from sex addiction. Let’s take a look at what black and white thinking is, how to spot it, and what it looks like to think more holistically.
What is black and white thinking?
It’s a feature of the left brain. The left brain (or the left side of your brain) loves to categorize life into opposites, black or white, right or left, up or down. Otherwise known as either/or thinking. This way of thinking is also a feature of adolescence.
Organizing life into such categories sometimes works, but as we all know life gets complicated and nuanced and can’t always fit into either/or. When these complicated parts of life get forced into either/or categories, results can get weird, even destructive.
Examples from my private practice
Here are some examples of black or white thinking I’ve heard from clients over the years.
Thinking…
the day is ruined because you woke up late.
you might as well watch porn again because you slipped up yesterday.
I can’t romance my wife because I hurt her.
you will never amount to anything because of your past.
I am doomed to be single forever because I haven’t found a girlfriend yet.
if my wife is upset with me, she cannot also want me to comfort her.
because I feel strong sobriety-wise I don’t need to do recovery work.
I can’t go to the gym because I didn’t eat healthy yesterday.
your sex drive is all bad.
because your partner is upset with you, you can’t practice any self-care.
Two things that seem like opposites can both be true
Take the sixth bullet point down: if my wife is upset with me, she cannot also want me to comfort her. When we are thinking in black and white terms, we see our wife’s anger and disengage, believing she doesn’t want to see or talk to us.
She is mad = I should leave the room.
But the wives I’ve spoken with often say this hurts worse. Sometimes they want us to stay engaged. They want us to pursue. Have you experienced this? This is because two things that seem like opposites can be true at the same time. She is angry and she wants to feel that you love her. Thus, walking away comes across cold and unloving. There are better ways of loving your partner when she is upset.
The role of perfectionism
Black and white thinking is also connected to perfectionism. It’s thinking if you can’t do something perfectly (however you define that), it’s not worth doing. Or thinking if you aren’t perfect, everything gets thrown out the window.
The truth: no one is perfect. No sobriety and recovery are perfect. Far from it. The journey is littered with mistakes, fumbles, slips, relapses, and u-turns. Coming to terms with this will help you let go of unrealistic expectations of how things “should” be.
How to spot black and white thinking
First, sniff out any perfectionism, as black and white thinking always follows suit. Trying to live flawlessly leads to distorted thoughts. Ask yourself, Is it okay if I make a mistake? Hint: the answer is yes.
Second, listen for extreme language in how you describe your life or relationships.
Perfect vs. Failure: “She is perfect” or “I am a failure.”
Amazing vs. Terrible: “My sobriety is amazing” or “My life is terrible.”
Pro tip: Think of someone you look up to and respect and ask yourself, Would they think this way? Would they talk like this? If no, this may be a clue to you that you are indulging in hurtful either/or thinking.
The practice of holistic thinking
Life is a mixed bag. Lots of good, a chunk of bad, and a little ugly. Holistic thinking allows us to recognize all of that. It’s realistic and honest.
For example, your partner asks you how your day was. Instead of blurting out, “Amazing!” or “Awful!” Slow down and be more honest. “The morning was slow and I got bored at work which was annoying, but our team meeting was encouraging and I got to talk with my brother on the drive home which was really nice.”
Try this: Think about the last 24 hours and answer these questions. What was good? What was bad? What are you grateful for? What do you want to change?
Conclusion
Black and white thinking is a limiting way of thinking about the world. Not everything fits into neat boxes of either/or. Holistic thinking on the other hand gives us a fuller picture of life and its choices, leading to a stronger sobriety and richer recovery. Try some of the practices in this post. They will help you be realistic, honest, and more trustworthy with people.