Sex Addiction and the Nervous System, Part 1: Ventral Vagal

Sex Addiction and the Nervous System, Part 1: Ventral Vagal

The nervous system is a vital piece of the mental health puzzle. It impacts how you feel, what you think, the quality of your relationships, health, and addiction.

In the next three posts, I will take you through the three states of the nervous system and how each interacts with a sexual addiction, starting with the first state: it’s called ventral vagal and it’s the social engagement system.

First, what is the nervous system and what does it do?

Your nervous system (simplified)

Your nervous system is a complex and interconnected monitoring and communication machine inside of your body, beginning in the brainstem (located at the base of your skull) and cascading down, like an intricate root system, throughout your abdomen, linking your body and brain together.

Always working

Your nervous system is a work horse, operating all hours of the day, even while you sleep. Underneath your conscious awareness, it scans your environment, keeping a lookout for anything sketchy. It does this while you focus on other things.

Danger detection

If something life-threatening is detected, say, a rattlesnake in your boot or losing control of your car while driving, your nervous system kicks into gear shifting your body into the right “mode” to survive the ordeal. These legitimate life-scares are rare but do happen.

Another “danger” our nervous systems may get triggered by is our relationships. Because we are wired for connection, if you are belittled by your boss, or stuck in a vicious argument with your wife, or consistently ignored by your friends, your nervous system may set off internal alarms, though no physical danger may actually be present.

Feeling safe

When your nervous system interprets the cues coming in from your surroundings as (mostly) peachy keen, you feel safe and move about life with ease, getting things done, engaging with people as you want to, working through stressors from a grounded place, and feeling generally pretty good. This is the bodily state of calm and wellbeing called ventral vagal.

I call ventral vagal the “living room” of the nervous system. Safe. Social. And connected.

Ventral vagal

Ventral vagal, or the social engagement system, is a physiological state which allows you to interact with others effectively. It’s what people mean by “comfortable in your own skin.” Your brain is fully on and you connect with others and enjoy it.

Emotions, states & behavior

Being in ventral vagal safety opens you up to experience many enjoyable emotions and states of being. These may include feeling:

• Peaceful

• Open

• Present

• Creative

• Productive

• Playful

• Curious

And some of the most meaningful human behaviors are best accomplished from ventral vagal. These include but are not limited to being authentic and vulnerable, working cooperatively, empathizing, parenting and discipling, asking for help, creating art, playing, having important conversations, and simply enjoying life.

Staying in and getting to

Staying in ventral vagal is a matter of discovering simple self-care strategies that work for you. Could be going on a walk to burn off some stress building in your body. Could be taking a hot shower. Could be spending time in the presence of a loved one. Or could be lying in freshly cut grass under the sun daydreaming.

Getting to ventral vagal, from a state of dysregulation (more on that later), is also a matter of figuring out what works for you, discovering your “glimmers” as Deb Dana calls them, or the things that bring you more safety and regulation.

Ventral vagal & addiction

Ventral vagal and addiction are opposites. Addictions are powerful, ventral vagal is calm. In addiction we withdraw, in ventral vagal we connect. In addiction we are out of control, in ventral vagal we have choices and act within our values.

It makes sense then that addicts (with the help of therapy and other resources) could leverage their understanding of the nervous system to deepen sobriety. Their nervous system could be an ally! Let’s see how this might work.

Disarming addictive tendencies

Clients consistently report that when they are in ventral vagal, not always, but often their cravings for acting out sexually diminish significantly. It’s almost like being in ventral vagal defangs the addiction. At least for a time.

If this is true, a part of the work of sexual addiction recovery should be helping clients get to and stay in ventral vagal safety and connection.

Important: Being dysregulated, or outside ventral vagal, is not necessarily a bad thing. It can actually be good to get dysregulated so long as we regulate again and recover. What is not good—and counterproductive for addiction—is too much dysregulation without enough recovery.

Dysregulation states

There are two other nervous system states. Both are states of dysregulation. One is up—called fight-or-flight. The other is down—called dorsal vagal. Both states of dysregulation can trigger cravings and sexual fantasy.

It’s essential that clients discover what dysregulates their nervous system. And what keeps them dysregulated. Doing so gives them more agency over the addiction.

Clients often report being in states of dysregulation, whether due to stress, fighting with spouse, not having enough social support, or thinking toxic thoughts. With a sex addiction, viewing pornography, masturbating, sexting, or frequenting massage parlors may be go-to ways clients deal with the uncomfortable experiences of being dysregulated.

Nervous system awareness

This is why learning about your unique nervous system and how it has been shaped and formed throughout your life (which starts in utero) is such an important piece to the sexual addiction puzzle. It helps to explain key underlying features of addiction, which is validating and empowering for clients.

Conclusion

The nervous system is a big part of how we think, feel and function in daily life. And for those of us with addiction, it’s important we understand dysregulation is triggering, while regulation brings calm and safety. What have you learned? How might you apply this information to your recovery from sex addiction? If you want to take your understanding further, google “polyvagal theory.”