Curiosity Is a Superpower

Curiosity is a superpower

The men I work with can lack curiosity. They plow through life without slowing down enough to ask themselves How am I doing? and How are the people in my life? In this post, I will make a case for developing relational curiosity. Truly, curiosity is an untapped superpower.

First, let’s explore self-curiosity.

What is self-curiosity?

Self-curiosity is thoughtfully considering 1) who you are and 2) why you do what you do. Self-curiosity, like anything, takes time and practice to get good at.

Why you do what you do

Let’s say you blow up at your twelve-year-old son. Your wife steps in, telling you to take a break because you’ve obviously lost your cool. As you walk away, you say to yourself, What the heck is wrong with me? I’m doing the same things my dad used to do.

You go for a walk and start feeling your emotions. Immediately you notice anger. You might be tempted to stop there and conclude: I blew up because I am angry. That’s true but only partially true. What’s underneath the anger? You stay with what you’re feeling. You notice something else. Focusing on it, it hits you. Fear. Hm, why am I feeling afraid? As soon as you ask the question the answer reveals itself in your mind. I’m afraid that if I’m too soft on him he will end up like me in all the wrong ways. That is a deeper answer.

Deeper answers

It may not be as simple as the example above, but with practice and consistency you can discover better answers to why you do what you do. The human heart is deep. Curiosity helps you access the depths.

Relational curiosity

Relational curiosity is simply an interest in someone else’s experience. It tries to answer two questions: “What is it like being so-and-so?” and “What is it like being so-and-so in relation to me?”

What is it like being _______?

No two people are the same. Life pushes and pulls us, shaping us in countless ways, like clay on a pottery wheel. How we got to be “here” has taken years of unfolding. Years of struggle and enduring. When you stop to ask yourself What is it like being so-and-so? you honor a person’s untold story, how they’ve been shaped and formed by experiences you can’t see.

This can also be smart to ask if you are married. What is it like, for example, staying home with two young boys all day? Cooking, cleaning, feeding, consoling, teaching, correcting all day long? It forces you to appreciate things you’ve taken for granted.

What is it like being _______ in relation to me?

This is the next level. What is it like being in a relationship with me? Again, thinking about married life, what is it like for my wife when I’m angry with the kids? How does she feel in response? What about when I’m pouty? Or lazy? What is it like when I fail to follow through with what I’ve said? What is it like for her when she has asked that I pursue her but I continue to create excuses? Genuinely reflecting on this question can open you up to reality instead of just the story in your head.

It is human nature to be tangled in selfishness. But when we consider others, when we slow down enough to think about someone else, our hearts begin to widen.

Conclusion

Curiosity connects you to yourself, helping you understand your own behavior. It bridges you to others. Gets you out of your head and more into reality. Curiosity is a relational muscle-builder. Be consistent with the above questions to strengthen your relationality.